You couldn’t make it up. Except someone did just that.
There have been some particularly dubious films premiered at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. We’ve had Ryan Gosling’s directorial debut which is “colossally indulgent, shapeless… and at all times insufferably conceited”, and Grace of Monaco where Nicole Kidman plays a woman who “looks like a grown-up Bambi after a couple of cocktails” (the Guardian’s Peter Bradshaw is on a roll).
But let’s not let a couple of well-publicised clangers distract us from the really important stuff. Forget about the red carpet, Harvey Weinstein’s ‘long-planned’ trip to Syria and the man who put his head up America Ferrera’s skirt – I’m talking about the B-movies on sale at the Marché du Film, the business side of the festival.
Established in 1959, the film market (yes, I am a master of French translation) is a place where buyers can go and pursue the wide selection of movies on offer, most of which feature bikini-clad women and ninjas/crocodiles/swarms of bees/toxic jelly (delete as appropriate).
So, without further ado, let’s take a look at the very best of the B-movies which are currently being touted around in the south of France.